Today is May 8th 2018. In 42 days my baby, my last baby turns one…in 58 days I return to work from my very last maternity leave. There are so many emotions that come with all that but right now, tonight, its weaning.

One part of the anxiety is Nixon not taking a bottle or sippy cup or soother or hardly anything except me. But the other thing, the bigger thing, is that I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to wean him and I don’t want him be without me. I know it’s probably the last baby syndrome but I don’t know how. I lay in bed at night thinking i should google it. “how to wean your baby” or maybe if I just tried a little harder he’d take a sippy cup. But I don’t want to.

My stomach turns when I think about how hard it is going to be one him… and me…mostly me. The process of him not having me at night, of me drying up unwillingly, of me having to hand him off to Nick so I don’t give in and nurse him.

I don’t remember this feeling with Mason, he took a sippy cup very young so it wasn’t much of an issue when we weaned at 11 months also I had two toddlers running around, i didn’t have much time to think at all. I do realize its the ‘last baby’ thing…dont think I am blind to that. I don’t want to nurse him till he goes to school or anything I just don’t want to have to stop now! Is that too much to ask? Cant I do it on my own terms, when I’m ready?

The answer is no. The return to work day is set. The 2.5 hour commute is waiting and the ten hour shifts are inevitable. I know my boys will be fine. Nick is the most amazing Dad and a hell of a single father for two weeks of the month that I’m on nights and I know everyone has to do it….But I don’t want to. The ‘good money’ and ‘good benefits’ are not worth being away from my boys that much.

58 days until I drive down that highway, pull into that parking lot and walk in those doors.

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